i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just pee around me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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