FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
