i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
