remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
