70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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