so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
