sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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