This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
