i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
