Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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