Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
