i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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