I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
