Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All the doctor said was why
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
