See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
