youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
