he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
