I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
FUCK WHALES
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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