I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
