You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
