I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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