Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
