I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
