i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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