I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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