i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
