She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
