i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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