at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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