did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
