she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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