How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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