Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
