You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
