currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
