You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
