i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
