I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
