you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
