When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
