she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
