: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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