you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
