In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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