textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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