you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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