apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im having a threesome with these popsicles
is wine microwaveable?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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