Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
