I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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