i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
