At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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