I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
