Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
