I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
